Ingredients

For the sauce:

1 Orange Bloviator

1 half-baked Muskmelon

6 young prawns (If their prefrontal cortex is fully developed, they’re too old. You can tell by asking them “who’s your daddy?” If their answer is Elon Musk, they’re perfect for this recipe.)

150 pounds of Zuckerberger

1 recipe of Bananas Bezos

Half a senate full of eels

Half a senate full of feckless do-nothings (roughly, eyeball it)

For the noodles:

75,000,000 fried Americans

Instructions

• Weigh ingredients carefully on the scales of justice. If the scale is balanced, tip it a bit by removing some rights.

• Dump all sauce ingredients into a vat of boiling water. Boil, vigorously, for fifteen days, while chanting1:

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and caldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the caldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,

Lizard’s leg and howlet’s wing,

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and caldron bubble.

Cool it with a baboon’s blood,

Then the charm is firm and good.

• While the sauce is boiling, make the noodles. Fried Americans are tough to break down but with proper technique it can be done.

  • Isolate them. Make them feel invisible. Encourage them to believe that everyone is wealthier, more attractive, smarter, more talented, and having more fun than they are. You can do this by applying an algorithm to their friendships and communities.

  • Wear them out. The easiest way to do this is to make things more expensive so they have to work harder and for longer hours so they can continue fulfilling their duties and obligations as The American Consumer while fighting over scraps.

  • Make them feel unsafe. Threaten without action. Act without threatening. Do one thing but tell them you did another. Tell them you’re doing one thing but do another. Attack their identity. Identify things you’ll attack. Let insurance companies decide whether they live or die. Provoke mother nature’s wrath; deny responsibility; refuse aid. Instability is key.

  • A steady diet of stress and upset will weaken the fibers of even the strongest fried Americans. Apply liberally to fatten them up like spring pigs and they’ll soon be melt-in-your-mouth tender!

• When the sauce begins to thicken, remove from heat.

• Remove all seasoning, pick out the bones, and toss them into that big hole next to the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Don’t ask questions.

• Beat the fried Americans into the sauce until stiff peaks form. Plant a flag on top, then lower it to half mast.

• Serve with a side salad and a Citywide Special2 in homage to the birthplace of our Constitution, may she rest in peace.

America is a recipe that can be made only once. Savor the whole pot. Don’t share with your neighbors — you worked hard for this and deserve to choke down every last bite.

P.S. DISCLAIMER: This is not a real recipe, please don’t cook America. Many ingredients are toxic and/or unpalatable. It would taste like rancid paste, anyway.

P.P.S. It’s ridiculous that I have to put a disclaimer on a recipe like this but if I don’t someone will turn it into a TikTok challenge and actually cook America which would kick off all kinds of cascading fuckery. Nobody wants that.

P.P.P.S. If you’re having a hard time finding the recipe for Bananas Bezos I feel your pain! Don’t worry, will share one soon.

P.P.P.P.S. Don’t shop at Amazon, your purchases advance the eels’ agenda. Have you ever held an eel? They smell awful and their slime is impossible to wash off your hands. I probably should have mentioned this in the ingredient list. Sorry!