internet

Dear Sir/Madam,

I was delighted to receive an Internet summons in the mail today – what a refreshing change from all the medical bills I can’t pay! Unfortunately, for the reasons outlined below, I will be unable to appear on January 20 or on any date thereafter for at least the next eight or twelve years. I’m sure you’ll agree that our experiment in having a functional Internet will end on that date. If you don’t agree, you’re part of the problem. At any rate, we’ll need time to reconstruct what’s left from the rubble, so I’m hopeful you’ll excuse me from appearing.

I spend my day surrounded by lawyers, most of whom have mastered the art of disagreement. When faced with an alternative fact advanced by opposing counsel they adopt a thoughtful demeanor, make a “hmmmm” sound while tapping their pen, pausing to gather their thoughts before responding, and then say something like, “So what you’re saying is that in Schenk the court found that you can’t yell fire in a crowded theater. I see your point. It could create a dangerous situation and cause undue panic for theater patrons with potentially harmful consequences. However, I have a different view based on Brandenburg, which is more on point and supports our argument that you can shout fire in a crowded theater if the theater installed non-reclining seats in which not even a flea-ridden dog should be forced to sit. Your client’s violent actions caused my client a great deal of pain and suffering in line with the court’s reasoning in that case.” And so the conversation would go, back and forth, in a civil fashion, until the lawyers hammered out an agreement to make an insurance company cough up some dough to make the whole thing go away.

The Internet is a similarly adversarial environment. However, on the Internet, I’m no longer sure whether what I’m seeing was created by an AI bot, a billionaire trying to manipulate public opinion, or a lawyer cat who is live and ready to proceed. To add to this confusion, the Internet is populated with pedants who will spend their dying breath arguing about whether someone used the proper gerund with a pronoun. This was because someone responded to a post about an obscure TikTok “celebrity” with: “Who?” and someone told them to Google it because Google is free and “your being ignorant of something doesn’t make it any less of a thing.” I’m not sure what the problem with this statement was (aside from it not being appropriately responsive to the question posed) but someone chimed in suggesting, “before you call someone ‘ignorant’, maybe you should learn the difference between ‘your’ & ‘you’re’.” (sic) Apparently both of these people were wrong, and the word should be “ you”. (sic) After a forty-eight comment flame war which included several confused Muppet gifs and requests for popcorn, we never learned the answer to the original question: “Who?”

My brain operates on logic, reason, and empathy. When confronted with this level of discourse, my brain literally ceases to operate. First, I’m confused, because I also did not know who that “celebrity” was and was hopeful I’d find the answer in the comment section. I’m a busy #bossbabe! Alas, when I Google things the first answer is always inaccurate Googlescum. I don’t know what the actual word for this is and I’m sure someone will correct me, but I do appreciate the shade Bing throws when I try to…Bingle? Bingify? Goobing? it: “The AI-generated content at the top of Google searches is often criticized for delivering inaccurate information and being created by generative AI.” Secondly, if I earnestly chime in and validate someone’s viewpoint, they don’t know what to do when they feel seen. If they can’t offer alternative facts, they just passive-aggressively hit the thumbs-up button. This is offensive because they’re not fully engaging with the wise counsel I took precious time out of my day to bestow upon them. Thirdly, and I don’t want to belabor this point, but it’s infuriating to have no idea what I’m interacting with on the Internet. I am confident that, barring a couple of recent acquisitions, the books on my shelves were written, designed, and published by humans. The conversations I have with people in meatspace are conversations with live humans who are ready to proceed. When I open up my computer, I no longer understand what is real. Given the state of things, I grok this will not only not improve, but will get much worse on January 20.

I’m sure you will agree that I cannot be fair and impartial if called to serve on the Internet. If you don’t agree, you’re a monster. Do better.

Thank you for your kind consideration. Unless I hear from you to the contrary, I will assume that there is no need for me to appear. All of this having been said, if you need someone to show up for Luigi in any capacity whatsoever, you’ve got my number.

PS – want to watch the Wise Lasagna faceplant her way to fame and fortune or at least loud obscurity in her quest for ALL THE CHEESE? Subscribe below!